I Deserve The Title...

...of Worst Blogger EVAR.

Or I should at least be a contender. I'm sorry I've been away. I've kept up a few posts over at caregiving.com, but I have no excuse for my absence here but my own laziness and restlessness. (Yes, you can be afflicted with both of these at once. I am living proof.)

Maybe "laziness" is a bad word. Perhaps "procrastination" is better.

Anyway, Gram is still holding on. She isn't doing well at all, though...and the Hospice nurse was surprised that she made it through last week. Yesterday and today were bad days. She couldn't speak at all, and was almost completely nonresponsive tonight. We are also having to force liquids down her with an eye-dropper. I just have an awful feeling that she'll end up dying of dehydration. I hear that it's very common for this to happen and that a majority of folks in Gram's state do in fact die from lack of fluids. Personally, I can't stand the thought of this, which is why I forced a cup of liquid into her tonight. I don't think she wanted it, or at least not all of it. It took five hours to get it down her with the dropper, and a few times she closed her mouth on top of it, almost as if to mock my attempt! How dare, Ms J!

Oh, my Ms. J. I don't want you to leave me. I know you have to, but I don't want you to and I will miss you so much. I just hate to see you in pain...

I told her this. It didn't come out that well, and I'm not even sure she could hear me. All I could get were a couple soft moans and a furrowed brow. I just laid my head on her chest and cried for a little bit, not bothering to hide it from her. I just don't think any of us gain ANYTHING from the "brave face" bit, any more. We're past that point. Now is the time for honesty, for conversations from one soul to another...even if one can't speak. So much can still be said.

I was in a rotten mood earlier today. I was tired, my back hurt, and I just found myself becoming highly annoyed at my relationships with some of my friends. In one moment I felt like I wanted to reach out, and in the next moment I was upset that more of my friends hadn't reached out to ME. I'm told that I need to stop "demanding" that people act the way I want them to act. I don't think it's "demanding." I think it's just "expecting" and then feeling disappointment when those expectations aren't met. To me that's different than an unspoken demand. Maybe it isn't. Don't care right now, honestly.

To be fair, I know that I haven't reached out to people in the past as much as perhaps I should have. Maybe I'm paying for it now. I don't know. Part of me still feels like I'm getting the ishtty-end of the stick, though. I dunno.

I do know that it's 2am and I know I should be asleep, but I'm afraid. I am afraid she will die tonight and I won't have been there to help her through her last moments. I'm afraid she will feel isolated and alone.

BUT...even though she's had a hard time breathing normally, she hasn't done that fish-breathing thing yet. So...do I sleep? Or should I go sit in the recliner by her bed, just in case? I'm only three or four yards from her doorway right now, so I know I could hear her if need be. But what if she passes in her sleep, rather quietly? I guess there's nothing that I could do anyway, if that's the case...right? Or is there?

I'll let you know in the morning what I chose to do. For now, I am putting this laptop down. Thanks for hearing me out, y'all...and I'm sorry it didn't come sooner. Maybe I'll play catch up in the next few days, if I can.