Some Nights...

...are so bad, all you can do is cry. When frustration overwhelms you after hours of trying in vain to get your loved one comfortable and to sleep, all you can do is sit somewhere where no one can hear you and let it all out. Frustration leads to guilt, then to sadness. Cleaning and cooking all day, in addition to back pain, lack of sound sleep and general stress does not mix well with the late-night routine your loved one has somehow acquired.

Would that I could just get her comfortable and to sleep before 1 am and perhaps through the night till at least 9 or 10 without any interruptions. Both for her and for me...really. I am not just saying this for myself. She has been exhausted, depressed, and extremely needy all day long. Adequate sleep could perhaps fix that.

I wish these days didn't happen...days when you are sure that you simply cannot do it any more. Days where you can't stand to hear the sound of her cries that come literally every 60 seconds for something that she doesn't actually need or even remember once you come to her side after working on something else that she had just asked you do do a minute prior. Nights where you don't even want to go near her door because you know you will have to do something crazy like move toes or move the sheet a literal half-an-inch in order to make her happy until she calls for you again in 30 seconds after you've already laid down and then asks you to cover her mouth with the blanket because her mouth opens during the night and gets all dry but you can't of course because she may suffocate since she doesn't get a lot of deep breaths in anyway but she insists and you have to come up with increasingly creative reasons not to do the crazy things she is asking you to and you can't say no to her because hey, let's face it, this is your Grandmother, the lady that raised you half your life and all you want is for her to be happy and comfortable but no matter what you do you know you can't because not only do her crazy demands never actually do any good or even make her happy, you cannot really control someone's happiness and then it is just all too much again.

But I suppose that if we didn't have these days we would never appreciate the good ones. The ones where you get to laugh with her and watch Pride & Prejudice again and take her shopping or to a restaurant with the best quiche in town. The ones where you feel so lucky to be able to spend this time with her, knowing that others may regret the time they did NOT spend. Then, with this perspective, it becomes slightly more bearable.