Meltdown

I had a meltdown tonight. I've been having a hard time over the last few weeks, especially. Tonight, I finally just went into the back bedroom and bawled and bawled. Not just an "I feel sorry for myself" kind, but the wretched, painful, grieving, wracked-with-guilt kind.

I've been snippy and irritable for weeks. I don't know when I am going home, the people around me are super-negative and annoying, I have no idea where my life is going, my skin is erupting into cystic acne, I am gaining weight, am very depressed, and to top it off, I can't understand anything my grandmother says to me. Last night, after asking her to repeat herself six times, she screwed up her face and started to cry, mouthing "I am a burden, I am a burden. I hate being such a burden."

I didn't flip out then. I just added that to my Guilty Pile and thought to myself, well...this IS a burden. SHE isn't, but this situation is. Then tonight, as I sat by her, half-watching The Golden Girls, she kept trying to say things that I couldn't understand. Each time, I'd have to mute the TV and have her repeat herself four or five times. My irritation kept building and building, until finally, after about fifteen attempts, I snapped at her saying, "GRAMMA! I CANNOT UNDERSTAND YOU!!!!"

I ran to the back bedroom and cried and cried and cried. It felt like my heart was breaking...it was one of those. I feel better now, but just barely. I wish I knew what I was doing, when I could go home. I wish my family would be supportive and stop leaving everything to me. Above all else, I wished I wasn't such a terrible, awful person...the kind of person who would yell at her grandmother. I wanted to just die.

It was bad. It was. However, those kind of cries are not something to be avoided. To me, they seem like a volcano erupting, releasing the built up pressure building beneath the surface. Tonight, after I got her into bed, I gave Ms. J a real hug and told her I loved her. I meant it. I always mean it, but some nights you just FEEL it. Really, really feel it. Tonight was one of those. I'm glad, because she needed it, I think. I needed it, too.

She needs to know how much I love her, even though this situation is getting to me.